Words of Wisdom from Love For Imperfect Things: How to Accept Yourself in a World Striving for Perfection by Haemin Sunim
This delightful little book is packed with words of wisdom on how to find contentment in life by living mindfully and gently. As you can see from my 60+ takeaways below, I thoroughly enjoyed, and highly recommend this book for anyone seeking to sooth their soul. This is the type of book you can return to again and again when you need a spark of inspiration. In the meantime, here is a selection of my favourite quotes from the book to whet your appetite…
1. Imperfection = freedom
“True freedom is being without anxiety about imperfection.” Sixth-century Zen master Sengchan
2. Cultivate your spiritual awareness and empathy
“As we become spiritually mature, we naturally develop more empathy and try to see things from others’ perspectives. This, in turn, teaches us to accept the imperfections of others, and of ourselves, in a more graceful and compassionate way, like a mother loves her child no matter what.”
3. Be good to yourself
“Be good to yourself first, then to others.” It was like being struck by lightning. Until then, I had only ever worried about what other people thought of me. I had never once thought properly about caring for myself, or loving myself. (advice given to Haemin from a friend)
4. Don’t worry about what other people think
“Don’t worry that expressing yourself will cause the other person to dislike you and the relationship to become strained. If the other person knew how you really felt, she probably wouldn’t have made such demands of you.”
5. Care for yourself
“When you care for yourself first, the world will also find you worthy of care.”
6. Love your imperfections
“Do not despair over what is imperfect in yourself. Instead, look at your flaws with love.”
7. Ignore self-doubt
“If you hear a voice within you say, ‘You cannot paint’, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh
8. Look deeply into the pain of others to better understand them
“Because each person’s situation is different, it’s difficult to draw any firm conclusions, but one of the known causes of becoming a workaholic is growing up feeling unworthy of your parents attention unless you do something great, as opposed to feeling loved and cared for and conditionally. This also tends to be the case with children of successful parents who are too busy with their lives and show little interest in their children’s lives. To win the parents’ attention, such children feel under constant pressure to do things to please their parents.
If someone is unable to think beyond himself, it could be because he didn’t get enough love growing up. Because he felt the world was cold and uncaring, he had to be self-centred to take care of himself. If there is a selfish person in your life who makes things difficult for you, look deeply into his pain and try to understand where he is coming from.”
9. Pay attention to children
“If one of your children is jealous of her brother or sister, take her on a trip, however brief, just the two of you. If a trip is impossible, spend a whole day only with her. Eat something delicious together, play in a park, and listen to her. If children do not receive enough attention, psychological problems often emerge. Parents can prevent this while their children are still young and impressionable.”
10. Treat yourself
“Every now and then, permit yourself a little luxury. Whether it’s buying beautiful flowers for the dinner table, a slice of delicious cheesecake to have with a caffe americano, a pair of soft winter gloves – little luxuries can brighten your life.”
11. Make every moment special
“The nice cutlery set, tea, wine, clothes, pen, quilt that you have been saving for a special occasion – use them whenever you get the chance. Special moments are not separate from our everyday lives. When you make use of something special, it makes the moment special.”
12. Be your own biggest fan
“If I like myself, it is easy for me to like people around me. But if I am unhappy with myself, it is easy to feel unhappy with those around me. May you become your own biggest fan!”
13. Trust your intuition
“There is a saying in Korea: “Lengthy deliberation often leads to a terrible decision.” If you think and worry too much before doing something, “your boat goes to the mountain instead of the ocean.” Now and then it is necessary to trust your intuition and push ahead in the direction you feel is appropriate.”
14. Trust your heart
“When you have an important decision to make and are not sure what to do, stop for a while and listen to what your heart is saying. Take a walk in a park or a brief trip somewhere beautiful, or meet a friend you can trust and discuss what you have been thinking. Your heart is far wiser than your head – it already knows the answer.”
15. Don’t underestimate the power of hugs
“Anthony Grant, a professor of psychology at the University of Sydney, presented research results showing that, in addition to reducing anxiety and loneliness, hugs lower levels of the hormone cortisol, which gets secreted as a response to stress; this, in turn, strengthens immunity to pathogens and lowers blood pressure. And according to Karen Grewen of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, if a couple hold hands and hugs for 20 seconds before leaving the house in the morning, the stress index will be only half that of couples who do not do this.”
16. Love can also include leaving someone be
“One expression of love is simply to leave someone to their own devices.”
17. Anger is contagious
“If you get angry, your anger creates an echo, bouncing back at you without fail. Your anger arouses anger in others, who retaliate either immediately with the same intensity, or indirectly over the course of many years in the form of gossip and passive-aggressive mind games. So the next time you get angry, keep in mind the costs.”
18. How to motivate yourself to tidy your house
“The house is a mess, but you don’t have energy to tidy it up. In that case, invite your friends to your home. Suddenly, you will feel a surge of energy which can get the whole house tidied in thirty minutes!”
19. Be fashionably late
“When you are invited to a friend’s house for dinner, ringing the bell five minutes after the appointed time seems the best thing to do. There are times when arriving a little bit late can be a big help: an extra five minutes for the final dinner preparations.”
20. Enjoy helping people
“When we help other people, rather than thinking, “I’m helping them for their sake,” think, “I am doing this because I enjoy helping people.” Even if the people you help end up not returning the favour, you won’t be so upset.”
21. Pay it forward
“At a time of need, you were helped. Now that things are better, you would like to return the favour. Unfortunately the one who helped you is no longer in this world. In such cases, please help young people whose situation is similar to what yours was. This will likely please the person who is no longer with you.”
22. Big world, some weirdos!
When someone does something to distress you for no apparent reason, or behave completely unreasonably, for your own sake, repeat to yourself: “Big world, some weirdos!“
23. You become a “soul mate”
“Perhaps there is no such thing as a “soul mate“. When you work hard to make your relationship work and stay together for a long time, then you each become the person you were meant to be with.”
24. The secret of happiness
“The root of happiness lies in deep and lasting relationships.”
25. Who are the main characters in your life story?
“I don’t think life has something grand in store for me. Every day interactions with people are the very stuff of my life. And so I have to treat those around me as precious, because other than myself, they are the main characters in my life story.”
26. Give more than you receive
“If you want to excel in a relationship, the way to do so is very simple: give more than you receive. The more we receive, we can’t help but feel grateful and like the person.”
27. Look deeper to understand people
“Someone’s true self cannot be known by the things that are easy to judge, like physical appearance, academic degree, job title, etc. Those things don’t tell us whether someone is humorous, kind, considerate, good at keeping promises, generous toward subordinates or those less fortunate. Only when we know these kinds of things can we come to understand who they really are.”
28. Save yourself
“If you’ve waited for someone to show up and change your life, and they still haven’t appeared, don’t wait any longer. It probably means you need to become that person for yourself. When you feel like relying on someone else, remember: There lives a far stronger and wiser being inside you than you imagine.”
29. Explore professions that align with your values and interests
“If you just go along with the crowd without trying to figure out what you really want to do, you’ll likely wind up striving to succeed in a highly competitive profession. Then, after several years of stress and struggle, you might become depressed from continuing to fall short in auditions, job interviews, or qualification tests. There are more than 30,000 kinds of jobs in the world. If you want to succeed, be more self-aware about your values, interests, strengths, and limitations, and explore professions beyond those you are familiar with. You won’t regret taking the time to do this.”
30. Just start
“If you don’t feel like studying, start with the subject you like best. If a meal looks unappealing, start with what looks tastiest. It’s alright to start reading a book from the section you most want to read. Starting is often the most difficult part. Once you have started, it’s much easier to continue.”
31. Worry doesn’t solve anything
“When you have too much to worry about, ask yourself: “Am I solving anything by worrying?” Because of your worries, are you missing out on the present? If worrying is not doing any good, say to your anxious mind, ‘If what I’m worried about actually happens, that’s when I will worry!'”
32. Don’t overthink
“Thinking too much can make it difficult to act. If you just do it, then it is done. But if you give into your thinking, your mind will get in the way, telling you “you can’t,” “you shouldn’t,” “you don’t want to.” In that case, get up early the next morning and just do the thing you’ve been putting off. If you give yourself time to start thinking about it, inaction we take hold again.”
33. Perfection exists in your mind only
“Even if it’s not perfect, set it aside and move onto the next thing. The idea of “perfection” exists only in your mind, and may not be the same for everyone.”
34. Learn from your mistakes
“Do not be afraid of making mistakes. Be afraid only of not learning from your mistakes. An expert is someone who was acquired skills and knowledge by making a lot of mistakes.”
35. Focus on the praise, not the criticism
“We are far more affected by one word of criticism than by ten words of praise. Whenever you are hurt by someone’s criticism, remember that behind one word of criticism, there are ten words of praise – from those who like you and want to cheer you on.”
36. No job is perfect
“It’s a mistake to assume that everything about your dream job will be fun and interesting. All jobs have their tedious aspects. Know that there are always trials to get through before something bears fruit.”
37. Put your heart and mind into everything you do
“Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.“ – Swami Sivananda
38. Challenges provide the opportunity for us to learn
“It seems we acquire the most strength and wisdom at those points in our lives that are the most difficult. Later on, we think back on those difficult times, and what we learned from them and how we came through them. Then we realise that they have been a priceless experience for us.”
39. Go on a “media fast”
“If you are stressed out, maybe it’s because your mind is overcrowded with other people’s thoughts and activities. If this is the case, go on a “media fast” for three days – forgo your cell phone, TV, and internet. You will soon be able to listen to your own body and mind and return to a state of good health.”
40. Mess attracts mess
“If your desk or the floor of your room is messy, it attracts more mess. And, of course, it doesn’t help you to work efficiently. When you get home from work and change your clothes, even if it’s irritating, it helps to hang them up in the closet.”
41. Find stillness
“When we are alone in a peaceful place, we experience the stillness of our mind. It is nourishing and restorative, like medicine, helping us to recover our centre and feel the divinity within us. A dose of stillness once in awhile does a lot of good.”
42. Get a good night’s sleep
“So you feel terrible today. But that doesn’t mean your whole life is terrible. Right now you feel drained and worn down. But you will feel better after a good night sleep.”
43. Look for beauty and humour
“The heart’s wounds are healed when we encounter beauty or humour. When we walk amid the beauty of nature, our thoughts rest. When we look at beautiful art, our sensibilities are stimulated. When we talk with a humorous friend, our mind brightens. Through beauty and humour, we return to our original state and become whole again.”
44. Creating breathing room
“If you want to kindle firewood, there needs to be space between the logs. If you pack the wood to densely, the fire will not take; the flames need room to breathe. In the same way, if our lives have no breathing room, we won’t be able to enjoy all the things we have, no matter how great or precious they are.”
45. Allow extra time
“When you have somewhere to go, set out ten minutes early. Your mind won’t be rushed, and you will be able to enjoy the walk. Similarly, take an extra five minutes to enjoy your meal. You will be able to taste the food properly, and the meal won’t sit heavy in your stomach. A mere five or ten minutes here and there can dramatically improve your quality of life.”
46. Limit your possessions
“If you own several of the same thing, keep only the one you like best, and give the others away. If we have too many possessions, we do not possess them; they possess us. A clean space with everything neat and tidy, is the greatest luxury, setting our minds at ease.”
47. Keep only the things that make you happy
“Choose two or three objects per day that you haven’t used in awhile, and give or throw them away: food, medicine, and cosmetics that have passed their use-by date, clothes you haven’t worn in years, books you’ve read but won’t read again, appliances that are just taking up space. If you get rid of them, you don’t lose but gain. Uncluttered space is a source of comfort and relaxation, and you are left with only the things that make you happy.”
48. Spend time with friends and loved ones
“Find happiness not in financial or business success, but by spending time with friends and loved ones. When you’ve achieved your professional goals, you end up setting new and higher ones, making you feel you still don’t have enough. Happiness then becomes a mirage, forever out of reach. The time spent with friends brings us happiness not in the future but in the here and now. Having close friends and we can share both the good and bad times with is one of the sure ways to happiness.”
49. Try this…
“When your life feels empty and mildly depressing, see if you can do one of the following.
- Learn something new: it could be anything – a musical instrument, a craft, a sport, a foreign language.
- Spend two or three hours a week volunteering: You will feel good for doing something meaningful.
- Invite friends for lunch: When we feel connected, we feel less depressed and lonely.
- Meditate on the truth of impermanence in this world: it is natural for things to change. Willingly accept that change.”
50. Being rich and famous is not the answer
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” – Jim Carrey
51. Just breathe
“Breathing is an incredible time machine, bringing our minds from thoughts of the past or the future back to the present moment.“
52. Appreciate silence
“If you get up very early in the morning, with your house dark and the world quiet, try listening to the sound of silence. Feel both its emptiness and fullness. Silence is tranquil, immaculate, and comforting, it doesn’t demand anything from you. No matter where you are, the feeling of calm wholeness is available to anyone who just listens quietly. “
53. Learn from the people you dislike
“There is no better teacher than the people you dislike as they get you to examine your mind more deeply. Zen master Seongcheol said, ‘the greatest learning opportunity is when you get blamed for what you have not caused’.”
54. Enlightenment is not the end, but the beginning
“Becoming in enlightened does not mean you immediately become perfect. Even after attaining enlightenment, you must work to align your new awareness with your actions, particularly in human relationships. Learn all the mundane knowledge in the world but use it for a higher purpose. Enlightenment is not the end but the beginning.”
55. Nothing is a problem, until we label it so
“Until you started thinking something was a problem, it hadn’t really bothered you much, had it? Labelling something a problem is often what makes it one.”
56. The secret to life is gratitude
“The secret to a happy life is not chasing up for a better job but learning to enjoy the job you have.“ – Hyegwang Sunim
57. Contentment comes from appreciation of what you already have
“Even if you have everything you’ve ever wanted, you won’t be happy if you’re always striving for more or better. Happiness comes when our hearts are peaceful and content, and when we learn to appreciate what we already have.”
58. Rest your mind
“We don’t become wise by thinking more. When our mind becomes relaxed and open, we suddenly have a brilliant idea. Trust the wisdom that exists in silence, and rest your hard-working mind for awhile.”
59. Adversity = growth
“If life were free of adversity, we wouldn’t have many opportunities to grow. It’s in struggling to solve the challenges that life throws at us that our talents are honed and our insurance builds.”
60. We can learn something from everyone
“Even if someone I helped in the past, or I expected greatness from, causes me great harm, may I consider him my greatest teacher.” – His Holiness the Dalai Lama
61. Don’t worry about bad things until they happen
“If there are nine good things and one bad thing in our lives, we’ll expend more energy focusing on the one bad thing than on all that good. This is a habit left over from primitive times, when our ancestors needed to be constantly on the lookout for danger. If you discover yourself focusing on the bad, tell yourself: ‘It’s not the prehistoric era any more. Worry about bad things when they happen, not before.'”
62. Just do it.
“We suffer as we put off the things we ought to finish today. Pick a specific time today when you will do whatever you’ve been putting off, and when the time comes, don’t make excuses, don’t get distracted – just do it.”
63. Buy the books you want to read
“If I come across a book I want to read, I just buy it. I don’t have to read it right away; as long as it’s there on my shelf, I will get to it at some point. Even if it’s a doorstop of a novel, or a complex work of philosophy, the time will come when I will be able to enjoy it.”
